I’ve been thinking about forgiveness. I was raised in a Christian home and taught right from wrong with the Bible as the authority. I accepted Jesus as my Savior when I was quite young. Even so, there were patches of time throughout my life during which I walked a little (ok a lot) farther away from God’s Truth and listened a little less (does covering my ears count as a little?) to His voice in my life. Certainly at those points, I made poor choices and took actions that I regret and am not proud of as a result. Sadly, even when I do listen carefully and diligently, seeking God’s leading in my life, I blow it sometimes and make equally, or maybe even more, poor choices that I also feel remorse for and am ashamed of.
That’s precisely why I’ve been thinking this week about forgiveness. Jesus taught over and over that love and forgiveness should be our constant goal and the recipient of our energy. It seems to me forgiveness has three aspects. One involves confession and repentance to God. The second involves confession and seeking forgiveness from the one you wronged. The last is figuring out how to forgive yourself. For me, the first is the easiest. It isn’t easy because I am seeking cheap grace. When I confess my sins to God I realize I am owning my bad choices to the Creator of the Universe. Gulp. But, actually asking God’s forgiveness is easiest because I trust Him most. I know His character, I know His willingness and loving desire to forgive me. (He wouldn’t have sent Jesus if He didn’t want me restored).
Going to the person I wronged, owning my actions and words, admitting I was wrong and asking for forgiveness, compassion and restoration is much harder. It’s more difficult because the outcome is so unknown. Will the person forgive me? Will we get past this? Then there’s the whole dilemma of dealing with wrongs that have laid there, unacknowledged and unspoken for years perhaps. (Think something you did to your sister when you were ten, or mistakes you made when your now grown children were little.) Those are really tricky. Jesus says you need to deal with those sins, too, (I’m thinking of Matthew 5:24 here.) but the question is, do I need to deal with them just between myself and God, or do I really need to go to the person? If I did go to that person, would I reopen a wound that was healed and thereby make it new and real and cause hurt all over again? The danger is real. Matthew 5:24 says specifically says “if your brother has something against you”, what if you don’t know if he is holding on to that hurt or not? Do I want to confess to heal the relationship or to just make myself feel better? Can confession take the form of making sure that I learn from my bad act and resolve to never treat another person the same way? This is certainly a slippery, mucky mess to sort through.
Part of figuring out how to sort through old sins against someone is wrapped up in my third aspect of forgiveness. Forgiving myself. For me, this one is the toughest. The Bible says that when we confess and repent, our sins are gone, vanished, washed away and nonexistent in the eyes of the Lord. Why is it then, that I can’t seem to let some things go? I hold them against myself. I remember that time I said wicked things to my sister, I’ve confessed to God and to her and been restored by both, yet… I remember the time I was unfair to my children, and wasn’t the mom that God and they needed me to be. I’ve confessed those as well, yet… the memories come back and so does the guilt. I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve approached God for forgiveness of the exact same old sins. He assures me those sins are gone (east from west, white as snow), yet I continue to need to bring them up, remember them, and confess them again. Forgiving myself isn’t about God following through, He does. It’s about me. It’s about not allowing those memories and that self-recrimination effect my today. On the days when old sins are crowding me, asking for my remorse and worse yet, for my shame and embarrassment, I need to remember Who has forgotten about it, and remind myself to just feel thankful.
